[ This is adorable. This is the best thing to happen in John's admittedly very shit week. Check it out, everyone, he might be an immortal abomination who's lost all his friends, but now he's also a pirate. ]

You make a strong case. And everyone knows pirates are incredibly cool. But I'm going to need a little more convincing: what would joining your crew involve? How much pillaging will I have to do?